[...]
Hmmm, Grispy, why do I get the feeling someone hasn't read your "Al
Introduction Message"? OK, then....

you've SEEN the AL FAQ!
you've FELT the AL FLAMES!
NOW....

TAKE   the AL QUIZ!!!!

You are...
(a) new here
(b) old here
(c) unsure if you're new or old
(d) someone who's kicked around here for a while and still
hasn't quite gotten around to reading the FAQ or any other
like information, and hasn't quite figured out what all
those abbreviations mean either. Oh well. You can always
just ask about that stuff...

You see a post from Al Ruffinelli. Your first reaction is...
(a)"Hmm. Who's this Mox Fulder guy?"
(b) Duck!(*then* giggle)
(c) *groan* "Does he *have* to be so RUDE?"
(d) "Gee, looks like HE could answer my question about
what the X on the window means!Think I'll post that!"

Someone asks what DD stands for, and Al responds in typical
Ruffinellian fashion. Your reaction is:
(a) to get down on your knees and pray without ceasing that
the like never happens to you. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.
(b) to rub your hands together and cackle with unholy glee
as another clueless nimrod is flamed back to the Stone Age
(c) to shake your head and quietly e-mail the person a note
including an url where they can find their information
(d) to angrily post "Look, Mox Fulder, who the burning
camel-snot passed away and made you the bleeping Supreme
Comunistic Dicatator of this Newsgroup?!!!What don't you
shut the Bleep up! BLEEP! You really BLEEP me off with your
BLEEP-hole type answers! And I suspect you suffer from
simple chronic halitosis, ya big blender-head! Why do you
have to be so rude and call poeple nasty names?"

Al has responded to a post of yours in what looks like a
pretty crass fashion. You...
(a) politely but firmly enquire what you can do to make
your point clearer as he seems to have misunderstood
(b) laugh, because you GET the joke.
(c) roll your eyes and ignore it. This guy will NEVER learn.
(d) respond "Oh yeah?!!! Well, your mother wears
spam-flavoured deodorant, jerk! Where the BLEEP do you get
off talking to me that way, you great big meanie-weenie!
Honestly, why don't you stop being such a BLEEPING
frogwalloper!"

Al flames back again. You:
(a) notice that he actually does have a point, take it,
and move on. No point in prolonging this.
(b) ask him if he's a bit low on chocolate these days.
(c) decide to e-mail your response; no sense clogging up
the newsgroup with what is essentially a personal feud
(d) figure that, although your first 26 responses didn't
make a dent in his style, he'll be *sure* to shut up when
you tell him that you think he is *both* unattractive AND
unsanitary! Yeah!! Now THAT's a zinger!

Now Al is involved with yet *another* exchange with yet
another Clueless One. You decide:
(a) to lay low.
(b) to read the thread and chuckle--it's just a re-run of
"Space" on this week, after all.
(c) to delete the thread--you don't have time for this
and have no intention of reading it.
(d) fire up your flamethrower. By golly, that Mox Fulder
guy is rude. He'll learn his lesson if only you can be
colossally rude in return! Yeah! That'll teach him! And
maybe you can get a WHOLE BUNCH of other people to be rude
to him as well! That will REALLY make the newsgroup a
nicer place!!! Wow! This is a REALLY great idea, and
surely NOBODY has thought of it before!!!!

Scoring:
mostly a's: You are probably a newbie, and there's no
shame in that. You  probably have the good sense to LURK
before posting, to LOOK for answers before asking questions,
and to LEARN from what goes on in the newsgroup... and one
thing you've LEARNED is the futility of AL-flames.

mostly b's: Old-Timer By Default. Love him or hate him,
you've come to have a certain affection for the ol' Alster
as the newsgroup's resident goblin. He says it so you don't
have to. Do remember, though, that your affection may seem
inexplicable to the newbies. Might be worth expaining the
Mystery of Al to those in need of enlightenment.....and
don't forget to dish out a little kindness (and info)
toward the deserving newbies. 

mostly c's: Master of Net-Zen. You disagree with his
methods, but as a practitioner of on-line courtesy you know
better than to get involved with a flamewar over rudeness.
Realizing the inherent contradictions of this kind of
response, you simply choose to handle newbies in your own
way, and to ignore Al's outrageousness. While you may be
moved to comment to him on your dislike of his methods,
your wisdom takes all of that to e-mail. Ah, grasshopper.
Pour me the cha....

mostly d's: Go to the bank. Take out a loan. Now, buy a
clue. Whether you're a newbie or not is irrelevant: you
don't seem to be very well acquainted with the way this
place works. (Or, as Himself might put it: You don't
know BLEEP!) A little courtesy and good sense, please:
flaming Al will not change him. Frankly, by doing so, and
by being uninformed, you're keeping him in business. Check
it out on Deja News if you feel the urge. Guess what?
You're *not* the first person to flame Al, and it
*doesn't* work, and it *doesn't* make this place any
nicer. For your penance, go read two FAQs and recite a
Hail Carter. Go forth, and sin no more...

Medical note: Flaming of Al may lead to repetitive strain
injury, virtual third degree burns, and the Dread Usenet
Plague of Persistant Flames (Inflammatisis Aeternum).
See the I.R.K.S.O.M.E. medical dictionary for more help:
http://www.cybernexus.demon.co.uk/irksome/afflict.html

Beagle
(e) feels compelled to post quizzes to Usenet