I originally posted this in December, but it seems to be
topical again.

This is the CONDENSED version of how these arguments go
every time they surface. If you're thinking of jumping
into the threads about newbies vs. oldies, elitism, Al,
etc., etc., you might want to read this first. What goes
around, goes around and around...particularly if it's
this discussion on atx-f.

Basically, you just choose the responses you want so
that you can get round 1(the newbie) round2(the "oldie"
response) and round 3(the counterattack). Then keep
mixing and matching and hey presto! Pretty soon you'll
have a 60+ article thread! Keep this condensed version of
the feud handy for those times when you are actually
tempted to jump into one of these perpetual arguments...
hours of fun!

*****************************
ROUND ONE:
"Hi! I'm
 new/clueless/trying hard to catch up/just wondering/
a big fan/only an occasionaly viewer/learning to use
my software/so EXCITED!!!! to be here
...

and I was just wondering,
what is a shipper/is there a faq/where is the faq/
what is a faq/what does IMHO mean/is David Doookovnee
married/where the NEKKID pictures of Skully are/why
does Moulder tape an X in the wondow/IS MULDER GONNA
DIE!!!!!!/does Chris Carter post here/who is Chris
Carter/is the world in danger of imminent nuclear
destruction and have you lined your hat with aluminum
foil/if I could take a moment to introduce myself/how
do you make this newsgroup thing work/how I can
subscribe to the newsgroup/HELP MY CAPS KEY IS LOCKED
AND IT CAN'T GET UP!!!!!!!!!"


(to which Al and/or another old-timer may reply)
ROUND TWO:
"Look,
you friggin' dope/dear, clueless person/ friend/
enemy/ newbie/ user of an inferior ISP/ probable
escapee from a mad scientists's laboratory/
paranoid nut/ troll/ (your name here)/ here, my
good fellow....

you really need to
RTFF/ spend some time lurking before you post/ spend
some time searching the web before you ask/ spend
some time reading the newsgroup before you the web
before you ask/ spend some time reading the newsgroup
before you ask your question/ spend some time
learning to speak English before you venture into an
anglophone newsgroup/spend some time at the Clue
Store before you venture into life

The answers you seek are:
right here, let me give them to you/ readily apparent
to anyone with an I.Q. slightly above that of a lima
bean/ available with the simplest of web searching/
available in Beagle's weekly welcome post/ available
by e-mail if you ask for them/ available at my
website/ in the f*****g post right the f**k above
yours/to be found at the top of a mountain in Tibet
after years of seeking, yearning and mortification
of the flesh."

(to which a third party will inevitably respond)
ROUND THREE:
"Yo!
you big old meanie/you complete idiot/ you spineless
wonder/you heartless  rudenik/you clueless git/you
ill-bred swine/ you nonsensical nincompoop/  you
vile varlet/ you wiener dog/ you (insert distinctly
unimaginative perjorative term here)!!!!!!

How dare you:
encourage newbie stupidity by answering their
questions/ discourage encourage newbie stupidity by
answering their questions/ discourage fresh new
posters by answering with such rudeness/ speak for
the entire newsgroup/ waste bandwidth by replying/
act like somebody died and made you Chris Carter/be
so cold/be so flaming/be so clueless/ be so
obnoxious/ be so, so, so----well, YOU know!!!!!!

I just want everybody to know that:
the person who answered doesn't speak for everybody/
this is the RUDEST newsgroup I've ever read/ MOST
PEOPLE HERE ARE REALLY NICE!!!!!!/ answering these
stupid questions will only encourage more of them/
I don't intend to act that way when I'm an old-timer/
when you've been around a while, you'll be tired of
these stupid questions too/ I think I just wet my
pants

I know that by posting this:
I will forever end rudeness on alt.tv.x-files!/ I
will forever end clueless questions on alt.tv.x-files!/
I will make the world a better place where puppies
and aliens can cavort before pastel sunsets!/ I will
forever end the discussions of how to handle clueless
questions on atx-f!/ I will PROLONG rudeness, boring
discussions on atx-f, AND cluelessness...and I don't
care because I AM Chris Carter and I'm busy laughing
my ass off at all of you!
**********************************************************
(You can get the way the rest of the dicsussion will go
by simply mixing up ALL the answers from the various
choices above. The longer the thread goes on, the less
coherent the answers will be. Have fun kids--this
makes a great party game! *and* makes julienne fries!)

And should you really, really want to make a difference
on alt.tv.x-files, I suggest doing something postive
rather than jumping into the above argument in its
uncondensed form? You could:

e-mail a newbie/put together a website/ put together a
list of FAQs that are not on the FAQ/ e-mail FAQs to
people who ask/*E-MAIL* a poster to argue about this
rather than re-hashing it on the group ad nauseaum/ put
together a list of abbreviations and terms/learn to at
least ignore posts you don't like/ do something,
ANYTHING, the actually *help* the problem rather than
just fighting about it.

-Beagle